When you say love, why are you saying it? It is a feeling of deep romantic attraction? Or is it in a way that means you care for someone and will treat them with kindness and respect no matter what the circumstance or situation?
Think about it. It’s an important thing to understand.
Can you define love? Can you do it in a simple way? Or does it take a long-winded train of thought to sort out the minutia and variations of meanings? Do you question if some form of true love exists? Does the meaning feel ethereal and elusive? Almost like a magical thing that turns you into a starry-eyed hippie…Oh love, there you go zipping and zapping around my mind reminding me of my family, a girl who broke my heart, a Subaru ad, and McDonald’s french fries all at once.
We know love is important. Of course, it is. It’s love. It’s the sweetest and dearest and most important thing ever! But why? And why is such a profound thing so hard to define?
Obviously saying I love Ikea furniture and I love my mom has a clear difference. It doesn’t take much depth of thought to realize this. But where it was once tricky for me and what I think is valuable to learn is how to distinguish between romantic love and the love that is a virtue of human compassion and empathy.
I tend to devalue romantic love. And by that love, I mean the love that Beyonce is singing about when she says, “Got me looking so crazy in love.”
I tend to see virtuous love as more significant than romantic love. (John Mayer — Love is a Verb is a good example.) I find the idea of trying to find love a bit mentally immature and something unconscious people tend to seek. Something that ultimately contributes to human suffering. (Cynical and brutal I know. But bear with me, I’ll lighten up) Because if you’re looking for love it means you’re searching for romance and you’re essentially unhappy and unfulfilled in your present state. And then when you find this romantic spark it’s wonderful, warm and fuzzy — euphoric. But this drunken stupor of delusion and romance will dry up, with or without this person. And then you’ve found yourself fallen into the bottom of a pit, now looking for the high of romantic love again.
This experience is merely a drug, a chemical experience in your brain by evolutionary design to bring humans of the opposite sexes together to replicate the species and carry on the genes. That’s life. And for lack of a better term, we use a word to define it — love.
That is, but one meaning of love.
I wouldn’t say that romantic love is the answer. Or that romantic love is all you need. Or that what the world needs now is more romantic love. I don’t think Jesus meant to say love thy neighbor… romantically. Love they neighbor with hot steamy passionate can’t get you out of my head, oh my sweet lord, you saucy neighbor you — kind of love. Amen! Hallelujah! You get the point.
The love I mean, the love we all need, is all about compassion, care, empathy, and kindness. It’s a word that is a signpost leading us towards the ever-evolving capacity of the human capability of good.
Sure. Maybe devaluing romantic love is too harsh. It’s a rush and a beautiful thing, no doubt. It’s possibly worth it. I would happily debate it. In the meantime, I just find it helpful to use simple synonyms. Instead of saying, “I want to find love.” It’s more like, “I want to find a partner, who I care about, who brings me joy and wants to raise a family or travel together and experience life together and share in life’s wonderful endeavors. (Perhaps, someone to bang, or whatever)” Or maybe instead of saying, “I’m doing what I love.” It’s, “I’m doing what fulfills me with purpose and joy.” Or instead of, “I love these pancakes.” It’s… “Hey now! These pancakes are slap-yo-auntie delicious!”
There are a lot of songs and movies about romantic love and they always make it seem like finding it is the pinnacle achievement in life. That having a partner and a child you love more than anything is the most profoundly fulfilling thing you can do. Meh. I’m sure that’s all immensely great but I disagree. Love has a much broader and far-reaching ability.
Love is so much more than a passionate desire. It is so much more than convincing someone to be your partner and raise children together. Yes, it is all that. But it is still so much more… Love is the energy that keeps all life moving forward. It is the part of life’s consciousness that cares about everything that exists in the cosmos. It is the light against the dark. It is the core that makes life worth living.
Awareness of the variations in meanings is the first step towards truly understanding love. There’s a particular meaning that we’re still evolving as species to understand, which is why I believe it’s so tough for us to define. If language is a tool to define our emotions, love has become an overused multi-purpose tool and lacks the sharp ability to perform. As our capacity to love has grown it might be worth updating our language to more sharply define and guide others to act in a loving way. A new word, or a rebrand perhaps!
That’s the unconditional love, the empathy, the care beyond ourselves and our kin. That’s the love that makes us give a damn about war, all life, and the planet that we live on right now. If we only love one person or only love this moment of time we’re given, we’re limited. Love cares for all life, even for the life yet to be born or sprout into the universe.
Our love has to stretch and extend. Otherwise, we’ll all fail… We’ll fail to care and work together. We’ll isolate and operate in a way that lifts up a few and rachets down the many. The species won’t survive without this love. Sure, the known universe would go on without us and we wouldn’t be around to know it. Maybe in a few billion years a new form of life will arrive with awareness and math and science and begin to figure it out all over again, but without love, and fierce and steadfast loyalty to its path, the darkness will overcome the light… yet again, light is relentless, and its offspring of life never gives up.
It’s illuminating to know, love is the answer. But if we want it to flourish we need to question what it means and come to a collective understanding of it.