A little preamble.
In this book, I will attempt to define something in the useful way in which I understand it. It is my hope that you the reader will have a better grasp and put forth into the world more of which I will define. It is a word often misunderstood, misconstrued, misjudged, misused, and often the point of which seems completely missed. It is the word, Love. To me, the word is merely a vague signpost to seek out and discover a meaning that unlocks our human potential. I believe it is the most important guiding principle of all life, it is a behavior and a compass of our actions. It is the very thing we strive to collectively achieve as humans, it is the source of our life, it is the purpose of our existence. Come along, I hope to help it all make sense. We have no other better term to describe it — Love.
Am I loved?
Those little red buttons, the ones that read, “I Am Loved®” Remember those?* What did that mean? I recall wearing the button was fun and all. I’ve always liked shiny red things. I remember having a few in grade school and it made me feel fuzzy inside. The idea of being loved was nice, but I didn’t quite grasp the meaning. Was I loved? My parents loved me, sure. They fed me and allowed me to live in the house. Sister and brother loved me too. There might’ve been a girl who thought I was cute around that time… but what does it mean to be loved? Could I be loved less or even more? Am I always loved? Does love fluctuate in ebbs and flows? Or is it a constant stream and force in my life?
Now, again. I think it’s important to separate the ideas of romance and love. Like olive oil and water poured into a glass, there is a difference between the two substances.
Because if being loved is the same as being in a romantic entanglement, it’s easy to feel like you aren’t loved, leaving you unfulfilled, and empty, and that’s a no-good very bad feeling. Furthermore, when you’re seeking romance it’s possible that you overlook the love you already have in your life. Or you might think that the love you have from other sources isn’t enough. Or maybe you’re trying to change something about yourself for the better, and this could be a feeling of not loving what you already are.
If I’m being candid, sometimes it honestly feels like I’m a loser in everyone’s eyes because I don’t have romance. At the time of writing, I’ve been around the sun 35 times and I have yet to negotiate an arrangement with a member of the opposite sex to be my wife, companion, and partner for life. I adore women, have healthy amounts of attraction towards them, and have a great handful of female friends, but it’s never been possible or sensible for me to acquire a partner that makes sense… for whatever reason, there hasn’t been a situation, with the right person at the right time, it just hasn’t happened yet.
Because I don’t have someone to kiss when the ball drops, because I don’t have someone to participate in consumerism with on Valentine’s Day, someone to travel and plan trips with… you name it. Pick a holiday, any culture-created hoopla based upon romantic connections and designed to stimulate the economy and I don’t have “someone special” to experience it with. Does this mean I am missing out on life? Am I not loved?
On the bright side, am I missing out on the stress of financial strain and the burden of gifting, going places, and unwisely using my time? What am I missing out on? A mortgage? Doing shit I don’t wanna do? Sharing my space with another human who can’t fill the dishwasher correctly? Someone who sheds her long hair around the apartment…. Someone who tells me my dreams are dumb and I’m an idiot for no good reason from time to time?
It’s fun to rant and joke, but the truth is because of a lack of romance, my own thought path can lead to bitterness, a resentment — like I’m lacking something. And yes, clearly even ideas of cynicism around the idea of romantic relationships. Which can’t possibly be a healthy train of thought. Perhaps I just need a happy red button to wear. And a new paradigm of what love is.
My struggles with romance or the hankering anxiety to fulfill a void with a relationship is not only an impermanent passing emotion, it’s a foolish way to think and get caught up in. The way I see it, (and the truth of reality) love is all around us.
Look at the art, the stories, and the abundance of genius in our civilization. Observe the invention and craft of simple pleasantries. Why you could even start from your toes at the comfy soles in your shoes! Peer into a device at the immense access to education found online — look at all the love and effort people put into the world to serve each other. Clean water, fresh fruit… all of this stuff, it’s all here, designed and thought out for you. In this way I feel I am loved, I am loved simply by humanity.
Sure there are things that don’t feel like love. A tanning booth, a pile of unhealthy food, a casino, a gun store, and Instagram. When people press love buttons on Facebook or Linkedin, I don’t feel the least bit loved. I might feel inflated for a fleeting few seconds and then whimpered by the idea of who didn’t like my post or who isn’t looking. There are things that extract more value than they provide. Ideas designed to destroy rather than enhance safety or well-being… there are many things to avoid. Things that only bring a benefit to those who are selling it, or that come with overwhelming risk hardly in your favor. But knowing what pushes us in the opposite direction of love… allows us to see the right path toward ideas that serve the world with it.
In our civilization, there’s an abundance of wonderful in everyday life. Trains, planes, ice cream, Minneola Tangelos… (ugh, aren’t they the best?) There are billions of little things to appreciate and enjoy. Just go to the grocery store and think about all the beautiful food. Now think about all the places where that came from. All the stores everywhere are full of that wonderful food. How lovely! Beyond that, there’s the loveliness of the world itself. The incredible and idiosyncratic designs of nature. Right here, right now, it’s all something that has shaped up to reveal itself in its current form, at this moment in time, that we all share. Isn’t that amazing? Doesn’t that call for excitement? You’re here! So am I! Say Hi! We get to experience sunlight and expand what we know about the world. I feel it’s our obligation, our vow, our duty as humans to take that love and spread more of it around. Call it sacredness, spirituality, whatever… but I feel like we’re all on a journey to reach love and express it. We’re all learning to love. How we love is a constantly evolving innovation of human behavior. We have to make sense of the good and bad and keep stepping along together in the right direction.
When art is created to bring joy and point us in the direction of the truth, when shoes are created to give cushy support and encourage movement, when the truth is used to course correct our actions, when education is provided in an accessible way for all online — these are acts towards love. They are endeavors from people and communities who aim to make the world better than it is, to provide value for others — to me that is acting in love. A story, a book, a song anything can be created to provide light and guidance toward love. A man who works to liberate people, and defend people from injustices, that’s someone working toward love.
Love comes through all of us and cares for the well-being of each other. Creating environments, ideas, and situations that allow us to be free, healthy, and happy. I know it is quite possible that this sounds like some hippie-foo-foo, but it’s real and it’s simple. Behavior in the direction of love can be as rudimentary as passing someone on the sidewalk and warmly looking into their eyes. Our etiquette and demeanor sets forth an example of love and it sets the tone for the culture
When traditions are designed to keep people together, activities dreamt up to inspire people to have healthier bodies, when art and stories are crafted to develop smarter and brighter minds we are putting love into the world. When laws and measures go into place for sanitation and safety standards, when we work to eradicate diseases and enrich the quality of life for everyone around the world. We are thinking about each other. We are lifting humanity up. We are steering life toward love.
Love has been happening since the beginning of time. To me, the universe (or multiverse, for all we know) started leading toward love at the genesis of light. Light produces life, life reaches toward love. I’m not sure why any of this exists in the first place or why we are here. I don’t have the answer, but love feels like it is a big answer to questions regarding purpose. And why not love? It has always felt right in the mind and in the heart.
It’s safe to say, that there is nothing you lack. You are whole. You are loved. And you can make love a habit and arc of your entire life. It’s what the best people in this world do. (Unless of course, you’re an ill and deranged psychopath. Sorry to hear that, mate. Get some help.) Realize there is so much loving energy being put into the world. You are part of the cosmos and the capacity for universal love is within you.
Gratitude is a step towards love. Appreciating the things in life that are designed in the vein of love, inspires you to then put that love back into the world. Whether it’s through action or an idea.. Whatever it may be.
Love From Others
When it comes to being loved by people in my life, I know through my friends and family I am loved. From them, I’ve learned and experimented with truth, trust, and forgiveness. I was taught kindness and honesty, the virtues and foundations of love. My parents vowed to love each other, and through all the joy, madness, stress, laughter, hardship, and turmoil that comes from being in a middle-class American marriage, they stayed true to that vow. I learned a vow is a force to be reckoned with and while I’ve yet to take such a vow myself with another person I have that example of love within me and feel I am better because of it.
When I was born, there was no negotiating. I didn’t have to woo them. No boxes were checked for them. I didn’t have to be suave or charming. Baby Johnny came out of the womb and there he was. A bundle of human joy. They loved me for what I was. I learned what I could and I was shaped into what I am. I was loved, in the way they knew how to love, and they learned from the people who loved them.
Romance is a step towards love, it leads to bonding, and a new generation of children, if love is taught from parents to children, the love replicates and continues too. Marriage is a system to generate love and bestow that unto future generations. Thankfully, they didn’t throw me in a dumpster and send me floating down a lake. They didn’t leave me in a cold house to cry. I was loved. Always fed and cared for. And frequently hit with a wooden cooking spoon when I was in the wrong. Whether that’s love I’m sure is debatable but it does make me giggle.
They had their vows to be together, and they had their vows to love and support children. Sometimes I overlook it. They’re my family. Of course, they do all that stuff, and I’m hardly aware of how grateful for it I am. It’s a core fundamental benefit of my life. A foundation that I couldn’t imagine life without… throughout my life, friends, and family have been an abundance of joy, fun, and love that had made a life filled to the brim with laughter and warmth and all the most wonderful feelings a human could experience.
Sure, it is quite possible you may not find yourself in such a situation where love from family and friends is not abundant or built into the fabric of your life. Maybe it’s a time period where things feel rather dim and detached. But it does not mean you are not loved. It does not mean that your existence isn’t interconnected with all life. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t light within you. You are loved, and there’s no reason to ever feel empty.
May I suggest beginning to uncover the meaning of love beyond the tropes of romantic relationships? Perhaps even beyond the limits of love extended to family and friends. Love is certainly much bigger than trying to bumble around as a romantic bozo. It’s about observing the love that is all around us. Being aware and appreciative of love in every moment, nook, and cranny of the cosmos.
Once you’re aware of this universal love, I think you’ll find a passion to uncover it within yourself and release it back to the world. Call it light, call it love… let it shine.
FOOTNOTES:
* The I Am Loved® button story… I Am Loved® was conceived in 1967 by Barnett Helzberg Jr., the third-generation president of Kansas City-based Helzberg Diamonds. I Am Loved® became a national movement and soon after spread around the world. These buttons are still given away free at any Helzberg Diamond location.
If only the Juke Box Hero knew…
Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is