Currently I don't have a job. Here are some interesting thoughts I've been having.
Doing a trial day at WeWork, pretending I’m about to launch the next big-swinging dick start-up of 2018.
Texting a girl who ghosted me 4 months ago asking her if she would like to come over and help me chop a pile of zucchini .
Buying a T-shirt that says, “Hi. I’m Johnny.” and walking around waving at strangers on the street. (I might do it.)
Internal debates about whether or not I can really afford avocados right now.
Wondering who Tiger Woods is currently having sex with. Answer: Erica Herman.
Going back home to prune trees and pull weeds in the backyard.
Spray painting my television neon pink and smashing a 7 iron through the screen. Because I need some irreverent art in my apartment.
Filming a Youtube cooking show featuring me in gently worn cotton boxer briefs sautéing various combinations of vegetables.
Thinking deep and vividly about all the red-faced failures I’ve had in my career.
Jumping off of buildings. (I won't do it.)
Deleting all the people in my phone book who haven’t responded to my texts.
Partnering with Lauren Conrad on a new book and Youtube series about cooking healthy vegetables. Because I think she’s pretty and she’d also look great in her underwear.
Asking the Miami government if I can take a ride on The Scavenger, a public service boat vaguely resembling a lobster, which scoops up trash on the Miami river.
Starting a food truck that sells potatoes. Just all sorts of different potatoes in deli boats. Potatoes with green onions. Potatoes with rosemary. Potatoes with cheese.
Learning to fly a seaplane like Indiana Jones.
Applying for jobs, and realizing I’m helplessly addicted to Linkedin.
Leaving a mixed emotional review on the Yelp page for Pollo Tropical, expressing my joy and appreciation for their well-priced grilled chicken, but raging animosity towards their ignorant and irresponsible use of styrofoam and plastic packaging. Mo’ Pollo! No Plastica!
Driving to the Florida Keys, drinking 30 Piña Coladas and having sex with someone over the age of 50. (I should do it.)
Dwelling about an imaginary situation where I’ve started a food truck that sells a variety of delightful potato dishes (in biodegradable deli boats), but I’m then viciously attacked by an enraged customer and former potato farmer who shoots me dead.
Learning how to master handstands so I can look like a super-cool, tantric sex-machine in yoga.
Using Miami’s official tourism hashtag #foundinmiami to take pictures of litter around the city.