But first, a disclaimer to avoid public damnation…
What the hell does this guy know about love anyway? Is that what you’re thinking? Well, I’m not writing this because I have an omniscient understanding of love. I’m writing it because I’m on a journey to learn and practice it. I’m friends with the fact that I don’t totally know what I’m trying to figure out. (I’m just as bad at love as I am at say… golf, my swing is pretty good, but I’m not always sure which way it’s going to go.) However, I will say that I do see some clear distinctions between the feeling of love (romance) and love as an action or behavioral love (in my terms, Alaza)… Holding a light to see those concepts as separate has been helpful to understand and guide my own life… But for the record, Love Expert is a title I’d like to avoid.
It’s almost inevitable, that I’ll eat these words. That I’ll stray from a path of love and I’ll make mistakes, but that’s where I suppose forgiveness (an action on the path of love) comes into play. We all need to accept the imperfect humans we are, at the same time, we need to accept a commitment to the practice of getting better.
Another thing I wouldn’t say is that I’m some sort of love role model. This endeavor and collection of thoughts (Love Book Project), is merely a friendly reminder for myself and one that I hope can help inspire other people. While doing this I’ve become aware, that I’m stricken with a weird fear that by creating a message that spreads love, people will conspire to hate me. It’s a concoction of my vulnerability combined with pointing to other human follies and their need for change that positions me for rebuke. Be my therapist for just a moment, would you? I hope that this humility and positioning will take some pressure off my shoulders and possibly get me off the hook in the case of any future demonstrations calling for my crucifixion or forms of public damnation. Because if history is a story that repeats, we all know how the world can be so damn loving.
To the topic, shall we? Friendship is Love.
Friendship is love and it’s damn good love if you ask me… Won’t you join me on z’ friendship, such a fine vessel, indeed, built to sail the seas of life. (Say that out loud like a pirate for extra fun)
Ahem, friendship… Insert all your feelings about why it’s good and wonderful. Conjure up the images of all your pals, insert all those wise nuggets and cliches about how friends are golden. It’s true. It’s true.
Personally, I find it becomes a bit of a tricky pickle when it comes to women I’m attracted to. There’s the stress and social pressure to want more because it feels as if friendship is a failure just a yardstick short of love.
Yet, friendship is a bond and special connection which guides loving behavior. If we think about human behavior on a spectrum…. Love infinitely to one side, hate infinitely to the other. If you put friendship on there, it’s nearer to love, another step towards love - a win for the collective of humanity.
But is friendship enough? Can it be more than just friends? Can there be sex too!? Oh, sweet and lusty sex!
But ugh, what is it with this feeling of always trying to advance relationships? It’s mind-numbingly frustrating. Is it just me? Is it a product of the culture I was brought up in? Why is something always nudging me to take things to the next level — pressing for more, more, more? Is it the same desire and flaw as greed? Is it comparable to the endless cycle of wanting? Why am I not just being grateful for the friendship, the present state of the relationship as it is?
To answer my questions… Here’s some advice from me to me, that might be useful to you… If it moves to something more, wonderful, if it moves to something less, maybe acknowledge the sadness, but don’t cling to it, just as you shouldn’t cling to the happiness of the euphoria that comes from romance. Because that’s sure to pass.
Sure, that wisdom is something I can put down on paper, but something more challenging to wholly grasp and practice. Perhaps it’s because I’m still single and I’m often reminded by the culture that I’m lacking something.
Something I do know is this, friendship is a form of human love that has the potential to last the arc of a lifetime and we should never underestimate the power of them. A friendship is sustainable, well-balanced — aboard any solid friendship with any true friend is a wonderful place to be. Why? Ain’t you ever seen It’s A Wonderful Life? C’mon… there are too many reasons and a million more! Who you know brings cultural advantages and your ability to make friends and keep your integrity (all actions leading to love) are going to have practical value as you adventure through life. There’s the power of your network to start businesses, gain opportunities for work, or maybe entertain or just plain support each other. Listen Hotrod, it won’t kill you to park your sex drive, we can do more than bump rumps and make more humans.
Sure, easier written than done. I for one, have to repeat this over and over to my screaming genes which only function in my biological system is to push me to replicate and carry on the species as if the future of humanity depended on it.
On top of that, there are social tropes that position a Friendzone as some sort of negative rut and unfavorable status. But a true friendship isn’t a rejection or demotion, it’s an invitation to connect, a foundational building block to practice real love. It’s probably even more sustainable than romantic love.
So enjoy the friendships you’re in and reap the pleasantness and low pressure of your plutonic relationships.
If I dig into the trove of my own experience with friendships and desires for romance.. It makes me think of a situation in my early 20s where I wanted to end a friendship because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. Not getting what you want flat-out hurts. My ego and pride made me want to give her an ultimatum. It was my romantic love or nothing. And to stand my ground and possibly even counter the hurt I felt from being rejected, I took away my friendship. I spent about 15 years agonizing with this little war in my mind, and personally, I wish I could have started to come around to this idea sooner. I wish I could have realized that friendship is a gift, a heap of love that is to be cherished and celebrated. While we don’t sign legal contracts or put on fancy attire to commit and commemorate our friendships — and while it’s not regarded as an achievement or the happy ending of a rom-com. Real friendship is the foundational rock of love in the real world and something we could all use more of.