A Preamble (With a Ramble or Two)
I think my love language is annoying. I say that as a joke, but I think there’s truth to it — and the reason it’s that way is because of my mother. Yup. I blame it all on mom.
She loves me so damn much it annoys the living shit out of me. What can I say? She loves me. It’s not a bad thing. She squeezes me with love — an embarrassing amount of it. Like a crushing compactor of love. To the point, I want to burst with sarcastic venom but it’s also the love I can’t imagine life without. What will life feel like when that energy is only in my mind and memory? I’ve been fortunate to have this gift in my life — it’s a love when reflected on waters my eyes and tightens my chest. Always welcoming, always caring, always warm, sometimes heated, but forgiving, cheering, believing. It’s also the kind that keeps you in line and sometimes even smothers your freedom. For better or worse, who’s to say? My love from home — it’s the love I know and the love I’ve learned. It’s my example to follow and spread into the world.
I think this is why I have problems dating women. Because if I love them, or feel some sort of romantic desire, my approach always ends up annoying the shit out of them until they decide to make a nuclear decision and cut communication. That’s how most of my relationships with the women I desire end, they halt communication often without explanation.
From my perception, it’s the love I was taught. It’s the love I know best. It’s why I keep texting someone even though they’ve shut me out. I figure they might turn the leaf, open up, and turn the corner. They’ll see that my love or desire to be kind and communicate has not faded away and that one day it equates to love. I’ve been hurt and frustrated and pissed off to the core countless times by this cold act of non-communication, a relationship ending without the clarity of why, and I’ve responded by continuing to reach out regardless of their grey blurbs appearing in a text thread — I know it’s annoying. I know it’s not what people who are highly successful at competitive dating and being attractive do, but in my world, it means I love you and it means I’m trying.
It’s never yielded the results I’ve wanted, and that could very well be argued as a method of insanity. You know, that whole cliche about trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result... But there might be a lack of wisdom in seeing love as some sort of game or thing you can win. You can’t win and you can’t lose. You can only love. Sometimes it makes you feel full and sometimes it leaves you a hollow empty shell.
Love always wins, is another one of those popular phrases. But when it comes to the best examples of love winning isn’t the goal.
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It’s late January, almost Valentine’s Day, Love is in the air and on the minds of everyone trying to sell stuff.
A plant-based food restaurant claims, “Plants are our love language.”
I got an email from a pizza place saying, “Love is in the dough.”
Walked through the mall and rolled my eyes at signs that read, “Deals you’ll love.” Another. “Love, laughter, and shopping.”
Love seems to be everywhere, mentions of it random and unavoidable — online, a video of Chris Martin at a concert thanking an arena of fans, “Our band’s mission is to give love and that’s what keeps us going.” I continue in a Youtube dredge and discover The Bob Marley movie is coming out next week it’s called One Love… There’s more, a new song on Spotify… it’s called “Love who you Love” by some new music artist I’ve never heard of.
Olivia Rodrigo has a song called “Love is Embarrassing”
Taylor Swift loves football and a big burly Kansas City Chief named Travis. It’s a love story about two embarrassingly large egos. Ego de deux.
If I didn’t know any better already, I’m not sure I would understand what love means. Or at least why so many people use the same word for so many varying expressions of human emotion and action.
Love is definitely confusing. Would it be valid to say Love, IYKYK?
I watched a lovely clip of a five-year-old Bille Joe Armstrong on the internet singing his first recorded song, it's called “Look for Love”.*
The word love is everywhere you look. But what about the act of love? Where is that love? Cue “Where is the love?” by the Black Eyed Peas…
You know what I’d love to do, I’d love to get together with some famous musicians, like Billie Joe and Chris Martin and Olivia, (just to name a few), and write a Love Song. The Love Song. A song that’s about Love. Not romance. Or a deep appreciation or lusty infatuation. Not the love which digs into soul-shredding heartbreak… Love the important human behavior leading us to a universal compassion and empathy towards all life living on the planet. That Love.
Maybe it could be one of those superhits they used to make in the 80s like “Do They Know It’s Christmas” But in this case, the cause is love. The whole point of the song would be to give clarity around the most important meaning of love.
In the meantime, sitting here from my humble perch of just being a normal human. And quite possibly a person who spreads his ambitions and time too thin to ever be insanely great at one thing… I want to write a book about love because I feel there is something crucial to get across.
Our minds can only take in so much information and this idea of love needs to spread faster than the rest. No other idea in humanity matters more. It’s necessary for our coexistence and survival. But here it lies in ambiguity trapped within a word conflated with all these other meanings and uses.
I didn’t write this because of my certainty and expertise about love. I’m no scientist or scholar. There isn’t a backlog of sources to cite and check — what follows here is simply a collection of observations and personal experiments from my life.
Through the process of writing, I have come to understand and notice how a simple meaning or misunderstanding can misguide actions and life choices.
I’m not going to claim expertise and to be honest, the whole point of this book is simple. Perhaps if you feel like you already understand the point, close it. Close this book right now, save your time, and go out and love. Live your life. Say Hi and be kind to people. Maybe keep it around by the bedside and scan the words as a mechanism to help you sleep, or pass it to a friend who needs a little illumination in their life. It’s yer book fer’goodness sake.
If you do stick around and choose this book to pass your time and indulge your mind, you’ll find some witty examples, perhaps some fresh perspectives, and entertaining ideas to talk about. You will be mentally geared up to help share and spread ideas about love that matters. But there’s nothing here you don’t already really deeply truly know. If you are human, you are capable of love, you are capable of making loving choices. If you’re struggling, just keep looking for better teachers and examples. (Remember what Billie sang, look for love!)
On a broader scale, I hope this opens up a philosophical topic of conversation. I think it’s a worthy brain bug to let loose in the wilderness of the zeitgeist. While “love is the answer” I don’t have one for you and this book will not provide an ultimate solution, merely ideas and well-thought-out suggestions for how we can steer humanity towards a more loving state.
We are evolving and so is our language. The ideas following are something for us to consider and think deeper about as we move forward in life, time, and our shared existence.
Am I a perfect unconditional lover? No. Am I some remarkable soul like the storied and glorified Jesus Christ Super-Duper-Star? No. Am I as brave and revolutionary as Ghandi? Hell no.
I wanted to learn and consider myself a lifelong love learner.
Like you, I practice and I fail. I engage and sometimes even retreat, sit in the corner, but I try and get back up and try, try again.
I am a human. Another one of us, trying to figure out love. So here’s a book about all about love. What I’ve learned, what I think I know about it.
*Look For Love by Billie Joe Armstrong — Google it. It’ll make your heart smile.
Sweet Amore! There’s more… I received a marketing email from an artist… all of these were in one email.
A headline… Love delights!
Another… Time is ticking but love is timeless! Check out our love-struck selection.
A gift for dogs… treats for your furry bundle of love!
Spread the love… (followed by a call to action to buy stuff)
A blanket featuring the graphics “live love laugh”
A design of two fish kissing titled “Deeply in love.”
A headline selling a tote bag “Be your own Valentine - Self-Love Masterpieces!”
(If I hear or see the word one more time — I think I’d love to bash my head into a wall.)
Of course, if you understand English, in each context, you understand what kind of love each is talking about… but none of it is the love that matters or changes the world. Ranging from affection to romance to a sense of care and warmth — all fine and dandy stuff, sure. But it constantly sloshes around a word also containing a meaning that is a guiding light for human behavior.
It’s a marketing crutch. But it unfortunately works, it makes people say awww, and think I should show my affection by buying that stuff. But it’s also lazy, cheap and danm near meaningless.
Here’s another bit…
A colleague of mine has the last name Love. Someone within my team said to her, “What a great last name! Everyone should have that last name! Maybe it would make the world a better place.”
Would it? Not being one to bite my tongue I said, “I dunno, I think it would be pretty confusing.”
Furthermore-stupid, what if we just used the word love for everything… like Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy who only communicates using the phrase, “I am Groot” using different inflections in his voice. We would all just look at each other and say… “I love you, I love you? I love you!”
Yeah, that would be pretty damn confusing.
We need different words. Different words give us the tools to express what we mean. They are tools to communicate our feelings and guide our actions.
That’s why I wrote this…. Ok, on with book.