Your local county’s updated recycling rules. / by Johnny Michael

  1. Please recycle plastic bags, and remember we don’t accept plastic bags.

  2. Please don’t recycle things that are dirty. We ask that you take time out of your day to thoroughly rinse and clean your items before you recycle it. Please, we’re drowning in garbage over here.

  3. For electronics, please drive to your nearest most terrifying part of town. Look for a shitty warehouse. Drive around back through the busted up parking lot. Ask for Stevie. He’ll take it all!

  4. Please don’t recycle styrofoam. We agree it looks recyclable, but we actually have no idea what to do with it. LOL.

  5. Please don’t recycle compostable items. We’re a recycling facility. The composting facility is still just a figment of our imagination.

  6. Be sure to recycle only recyclable plastic items. Look for the tiny triangle and a number. For further clarification, be sure to read all of the small words on our poorly designed government website.

  7. Recently, we’ve been receiving some non recyclable things, like bowling balls, garden hoses and most recently a hand grenade. Please remember these things aren’t recyclable and can be very dangerous. (R.I.P. Lou Poncho)

  8. Please just throw your alkaline batteries in the trash. It’s easier for everyone, especially Stevie. He's drowning in monitors and battery acid over there.

  9. Please, no plastic sex toys. It really fucks the system.

  10. Please recycle all your aluminum cans. Kindly understand we don’t offer deposits like other states. Cheers to doing the right thing with zero incentive!

  11. We’ve changed the name from “mixed recycling system” to “single-bin system.” But it’s the same system, so just keep plopping it all in one bin. Quantity over quality feels so American!

  12. If you have any thoughts on how to improve the system, we'd love to hear your feedback. But please remember we don’t accept thoughts or feedback.