Däyumn!
Give it to me. I’m talking about White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle, from the creamy kingpins at Häagen-Dazs. Ooh, let me tell you, it’s a naughty and sultry flavor — tastes like adultery.
At first sight, the title pulls you in — I even tend to sway my hips while letting it roll off the tongue. Go ahead, say it slowly, savoring those syllables. White, Chocolate, Raspberry, Truffle. Sounds like something straight out of a sex novel. Or like it’s scooped out of the vagina of a waspy white woman. Yes, yes, it’s your new milkfatty mistress. MmmMmm.
Scoop thou tenderly. Only fools rush in. So before jabbing your spoon into its cold dense layers fresh out the freezer, you’ve got to warm it up a little. A little foreplay if you will, to get that perfect creamy texture. Can’t wait? Play a little jazz. Set the mood. Then go in for a scoopin until you flop down exhausted and breathless. Who’s your daddy-daz?
Scoop deep. Think deeper. If an over-sexed fifty year-old cougar asked you to taste her White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle... you might helplessly wonder if she was referring to something other than this decadent ice cream.
Either way. Say yes. And grab a spoon.
Concocted to satisfy. A spoonful of lust, helping the stress go down, and your bloodsugar go up.
Oh fudge. White chocolate cream, swirls of sweet raspberry flavor and hunks of dark chocolate truffle. What horny ice cream man whipped this up? My imaginary backstory for the creation of this veers quickly down the path of a shoddy softcore porn. Whereas two ice cream scientists invent it, and upon their first tasting — a cold wind of crisp refrigerated air sweeps through the room. Instinctively, they start tearing off their white lab coats, grabbing, mouthing, necking. Hot steamy sex ensues at the well-refrigerated offices of Häagen-Dazs. It’s S&M at the R&D facility.
Ok. Maybe not. But really, I want to know the intent of this flavor. Is this sweet cream churned to turn you on? Because this doesn’t bring me any nostalgic childlike joy. This is some fine-ass ice cream. Two single scoops in a cone, come on baby let’s go bone! White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle, the stone cold pantie dropper. This is come over my husband is out of town ice cream. This is, cool off gardener boy and come inside me ice cream. This is, I just impregnated six women in jamaica ice cream! This is ice cream that can ruin your life!
I’ve never eaten an ice cream flavor and been swarmed with such fantasies. You don’t feel this way when the ice cream man creeps down your street playing The Entertainer. You don’t get a boner when you eat Ben & Jerry’s.
With every scoop I feel like I’m being taunted down a dark path of sexual destruction. It is my desire and my demise. But tell me, how could it be so wrong, when it tastes so good?
ps. If you haven't already — try it, and try to keep your pants on.
