“My eyes just started welling up,” said Mark, 33, from Des Moines, Iowa “I just thought about how great of a human being he is. I mean it’s one thing to be such tremendous athlete, but he’s so much more — he’s started a school, he’s still married to his wife, he’s really an inspiration for all mankind.”
Clearly moved by LeBron’s drive to be an overwhelmingly good human, the man continued, going on to say that he’d be in favor of putting LeBron in charge of our planet.
“He really should be voted in as Leader Of Planet Earth. He’d have my vote in a heartbeat. His rock-solid moral compass, professional discipline and supreme ability to dunk a basketball, three key things right there — he should definitely be in charge of Earth.”
The man went on, explaining how LeBron’s domination of being an all-around good man made him feel.
“Personally, and to be honest, he’s almost too inspiring. He sort of makes me feel like I’m an inadequate form of the human species. Being the same age as him, just makes me feel like I really need to get my shit together.”
The man peered down at his coffee-stained Lebron 16 sneakers and kicked a rock. His shoes untied.
“I work in the construction business. I cheat on my girlfriend. I get really angry about traffic. I had a gym routine for a couple weeks in college. But things really went downhill for me after I got cut from my high school basketball team. I have hemorrhoids and swollen veins in my scrotum. My crotch is full of nightcrawlers. I can’t run. Not no more!
The man offered to show us his scrotum. We politely and quickly declined.
“Heck, the only thing I can dunk is a doughnut. But King James, he’s a great human being. I think I cried because I realized I’m not LeBron James. I’m just a guy named Mark Gunthy. And I drive a truck like an asshole.”
The man then said he needed to urinate. He hobbled over to a nearby bush and dropped trou. While shouting over his shoulder and the sound of his urine stream, he continued. Spiraling a little further into despair.
“Now he’s in LA and he’s making new friends. I wish I could go to LA and be friends with Jack Nicholson, Leo DiCaprio, and all those cool people. Plus, he’s gonna make a lot of friends on that new team, making friends is probably really easy when you’re that good at basketball. I’d totally want to be his friend.”
He finished urinating and zipped up his pants. After we declined another sincere offer to examine his scrotum and supportive undergarments, he continued.
“I tell people I pour concrete for parking lots and nobody gives a shit. Nobody wants to watch me do that. No company wants to sponsor me pouring cement. Even though I am in fact really damn good at pouring concrete. You ever try pouring concrete with plantar fasciitis? That takes balls.”
Guessing by the man's groin issues, it apparently takes a toll on your balls as well. The man started sobbing.
“Here I go, I’m crying again. These are real tears! All because I am a witness to the great LeBron James, y'all are witnessing my tears. And did you hear he just dominated a basketball game wearing jeans? I couldn’t believe it, but I’m not surprised. LeBron James makes me believe in everything!”
The man grabbed a Kleenex and tried to rationalize his strange outburst of crying.
“He’s totally using his sponsorship money and influential popularity from the game of basketball to dominate at life. And for guys like me, it just doesn’t feel fair. He’s making me like a worthless piece of shit.”
The man then admitted he wishes he could one day be an LA Lakers season ticket holder, just like Jack Nicholson. He’s also excited to spend his hard-earned cash on a pair of new LeBron sneakers.